My Wisdom Teeth Don't Seem So Wise

The Last 5 Days
It has been crazy being locked up in my dark house with 2 cats, 1 dog, and a roommate while I have been healing from having all of my wisdom teeth removed. I was warned that it would be painful but... WOW! You have got to be kidding. Until today (the 5th day), I felt totally lost in the pain. Today, I made the mistake of coming off of the vicodin in the morning and got to feel even more pain. I also had some stuff going on with my nose to add to it. So, the learning I have received so far. Let others love me and take care of me. Give myself the gift of time to heal. I have a feeling the entire process will be at least a few weeks.

Love to my teeth and my healing process.

Happiness

My 33rd Birthday has passed, always a time for reflection. I think to myself, I may not be where I want to be or where I saw myself at this age years ago... what did I see. Children, a husband, traveling, first book published by now, adventures, happiness...ah yes, the ever elusive happiness. It isn't so much about the "do" as it is about the "be". Being happy. Doing things to be happy. All I really need to do is more things to be happy. Ok, got it.

Remember to LOVE and HONOR myself

I have been told time and time again... no one can make you feel bad about yourself. Only you can. But what about when you KNOW someone is trying to cut you down, sees you as weak or insignificant? That is when it is time for me to say goodbye. I cannot afford at this point in my healing to allow for someone else's opinion of me alter or influence how I truly feel about myself. If they don't see me for the beautiful, gorgeous, STRONG, creative, amazing woman that I am then they can go find other's to pick on and hate, because it is not going to be me.

A Path to Water

Hold in my loving NO MATTER WHAT. That is my goal!

Forever Changed

As people who have been blessed with the capacity to give and receive love, we are forever changed by the experience of grief in our lives. We, as human beings, do not 'get over' our grief but work to reconcile ourselves to living with it. We hope eventually to find some meaning for these sad happenings in our lives, to heal and to grow.

Life is not fair. Life is a series of tragic losses but we cannot lose something unless we have first had it so the magnitude of each loss becomes the measure of life's gifts.

Memories made in love can never be taken away from you. If your memories bring laughter, let yourself smile, if memories bring sadness, let yourself cry. If love is important to you express it, don't give up on it, don't think you will never love again, have faith that you will and remember to love yourself.

With Love Always,
Melissa

Back to a time when I knew love and love knew me

When I think of my childhood I feel like I know what it was to love and be loved. I am not sure where that feeling went away. All I know is that it did. Why did it go away? When did I stop trusting? Was it time after time of letting myself down? Was it others letting me down? I am so tired of feeling like crap. I am so tired of looking to others to love me the way I love them. Most recently, I have put myself in a situation where I love a man so deeply and he does not return my love. He does not return those feelings.

I am not a bitch. Men seem to want that bitch that will treat them like crap and give them a chase. I understand the chase. Wanting what you cannot have. That's not me. I don't want to play games with the man I love's heart. I want to love, care for and share my life with him. I want a companion to share my life with. Someone that I know will be there for me and I for him in return, no matter what. I am a woman full of so much love that if I cannot give it away I feel heavy and sad.

I find myself so very sad right now. I have been for quite some time again. I feel misunderstood and alone. Very alone. Even when I am with others, I feel alone. I know this is a feeling that plagues many. I have been through it numerous times myself. It is a feeling that has me contemplating taking my own life from time to time. What stops me is not just those that love me, but a much greater love that I have for myself. I can remember loving myself wholly and completely. I knew no other way. I just did. I want to get back to that place again.

I am going to travel for the next 12 months. I am going to traverse the plains, valleys, skies, shores, hills, lakes, and mountains of my heart. I am going to let myself get to know me. To know my in's and out's. My intention for myself is to let me hopes and dreams for myself and my life come alive again. It's not too late. I am going to face my fears head on and with great love and compassion for myself.

I believe the story of Ferdinand the Bull was much more than a story of peace. For me it is a story about knowing, loving and caring for oneself. Today I embark on the journey to once again... know, love and care for myself.

With love always,
Melissa